Bully or Victim? What to Recognize and How to Intervene as Parent of a Cyber Bully

Freedom of expression is a wonderful tool for young children to exercise when done in a safe and educational manner. Students can learn how to display their thoughts, opinions, and feelings in an appropriate and responsible manner to become more active citizens in American society. Social media and other forms of technological communication offers more opportunities for students to express themselves and to develop a personal identity based on their own critical thinking skills. But what happens when those critical thinking skills are not taught or utilized correctly? What do you do when your child crosses a line and becomes a cyber bully?

The concept of bullying is a difficult one for students to discuss based on the complexity of the bully-victim relationship. Bullies gain power and popularity from aggressive behavior because the victim has little means to counteract the bullying. Additionally, peer groups tend to expect the bully-victim relationship to remain stable; that is: they expect the bully to remain a bully and the victim to always be the victim. Because of this dynamic, technology can become a powerful means to maintain and sustain the dysfunctional abusive relationship (from Educaton.com article).

In this day and age, it is vital for parents to know how their own children are interacting with each other through technology.  It is your right, as a parent, to monitor how your child is communicating with others. Parents need to be vigilant in their child's use of social media and cell phone messaging and application usage. This can be difficult as it requires confronting your child on a regular basis. Parents need to understand that by setting clear expectations and guidelines in their child's use of technology, they are empowering themselves and their child to become responsible digital citizens.

Therefore, the first step for parents is vigilant  awareness. 

If you become aware that your child is abusing their technology privileges by being hurtful to others, the next step is interventions through a balance of consequences and education.

Parents must not be afraid to confront their children. Children are resilient and, as they mature, are going to test boundaries. We know this. We also know that children are going to be resistant to consequences and confrontation. That does not mean, as parents, we do not follow-through on these consequences. It is just as important that it does not become solely about the consequences, especially if they are severe.

The severe consequence parents normally revert to is to take away the technology altogether. While this can be effective means of discipline, it rarely if ever alters cyber behavior. In her 2010 New York Times article, renown psychologist and bully interventionist Tara Parker-Pope outlines some clear options on how to educate your child if he or she is partaking in negative digital behavior (the article is posted as a resource in the Parent tab found at the top of the blog page).  She suggests:
1) Work on understanding why cyber bullying is wrong. She offers great examples of recent cyber bullying cases to illustrate the lesson.
2) Insist that your child discuss this with you at length with some reflection on how he might feel if he were the one on the receiving end and what led him to post such hurtful words in the first place. This not only reinforces and teaches empathy, but it also allows for your child to be introspective about his or her own behavior.
3) Taking away technology is fine, but offer clear guidelines and limitations upon its return. Remember, you are the parent who is setting the expectations and parameters for your child.
4) Address the victim appropriately. There may be some legal concerns here, but simply writing a letter to the family acknowledging your child's poor behavior and the remediation taking place to ensure it will not recur is an indicator that you and your child demonstrate remorse and corrective action.